Wednesday, August 31, 2011

give us the freedom to be naked, and we'd choose clothes.


I tend to be a person in work or social circles who receives ‘both sides of the story’.
And after hearing a lot of sides to a lot of stories,
I’ve come to realize that typically no one person is more right than the other.
Our perceptions and reactions are relative to our own experience,
and as a result, we will always be innocently inclined to think:
we were right, we were wronged, we did everything we could, they let us down.
We’re all just hurting each other and feeling disappointed about something for no reason.
We can convince ourselves of anything.
I wish we could all say and do exactly what we really think and feel all the time,
allowing everyone else the same courtesy,
and not being disappointed by unmet expectations.
because at the end of the day we were all true with one another,
and what more is there?
Above being cool, collected, coy, portraying an image, trying not to be too venerable,
or too forward, or too eager, or too needy or anything besides what you really are, all the time.
…but then what would most of us be?
It’s far too scary to have people really know us, and reject us.
(and quite frankly, society condones you to be anything but yourself)
If we try to be everything to everyone or create ‘who we are’,
we’re much less disappointed if we’re not received because
“we could have told them how we really feel”
or “they could have rejected the real me”
and that would have hurt much worse.
And I’m so much tougher than that, aren’t you?
What a shame. Who are we fooling?

So here’s to loving and being yourself,
and accepting everyone around you, for themselves.
And if you’re finding yourself disappointed in other people,
maybe it’s because you’re not fully being who you are made to be,
or you’re expecting them to be someone they’re not.
It’s ok.


Here's something raw & real about me:
I'm going to smile & be brave,
but I'm scared to death of September.


In the month of September,
on top of my regular work week,
I will be the backup supervisor on call 24/7,
and I have to:
Finish 2 custom wedding veils,  
Host a bridal shower,
Plan a baby shower,
Review 27 clinical assessments,
Coordinate a wedding (this one I'm really excited about),
Do all the flowers (bouquets, boutonnieres, centerpieces, reception & ceremony d├ęcor)
for another wedding,
Pack up our whole house,
Have a yard sale,
Move across town,
Finish 3 applications (which include 20 piece portfolio submissions) to 3 design schools,
Submit my passport update application,
Attend traffic school for going 46 in a 35,
Meet with 9 gallery directors,
Start training for a half-marathon,
 Launch all the social media once our (3 years in the making) organic baby company finally goes live,
And celebrate my momma’s birthday.


I do believe that I get extra doses of joy in my spirit when facing seasons like this,
or maybe it's just the delirium that comes from lack of sleep
and large amounts of stress, disguised as joy.
either way, I'll take it.
{hugs and wine are also welcome & appreciated}



let’s hope I make it out alive. deep deepest breath, go.





Tuesday, August 30, 2011

halloweeeen, yes please.

i know it's only august,
but i got halloween on my brain.


here's what i wanna be this year:


oh pretty little dead girl


this one is a little too pretty, but i love those sparkles.





and this is just fantastic!
brim- you and danny.
yes, do this.


comic book girl





Sunday, August 28, 2011

things that people said

i am so thankful for true and good and silly conversations.
for things that make you laugh out loud, from deep in your belly.
here are some encounters from the past few weeks that were exactly what i needed,
when i needed them.


{everything in this day and age is instantaneous now,
except waiting. and that's still the hardest part.}
-my director


{me: so, tell me about him.
her: ugg, he's probably one of those guys
who locks himself in his room, overthinking things
and reading intense books. you know, our type.}
-one of my bests

{me: i'm sorry, i know that's not the original story i told you.
i just didn't know how to talk about it.
her: oh heck, i don't care. you can always lie to me
or omit things if it's going to make you feel better.
me: haha- thanks.}
-my friend & business partner

{him: the world is a big kiss.}
-a good man

{text in the middle of my work day:
her: are you available RIGHT now?
me: i can be, i'm in a meeting, are you ok? call me.
..10 minutes later..
her: oh yeah, i'm fine, i just want to borrow a pair of shoes,
sorry for scaring you.}
-my childhood fav

{him: hey sad eyes (with an elbow jab),
don't take life too seriously,
i hear no one makes it out alive.}
-spry old man at the market

{him: AHHHHH!!!! I'M SO GDMF DRAMATIC!
me: see- even then.}
-10 years & counting

{her: what is this? c'mon nashville! this isn't country music.
me: this is a britney spears video with cowboy hats.}
-my best, in blythe


{email, subject: #mainstreamradioiskillingme.
message: after a week of listening to mainstream radio,
i have learned:
it's been a really really messed up week,
starting with what happened last friday night.
but EVERYONE is excited for tonight,
tonight when we do it all again,
including: going all the way to tonight
even though she doesn't know how to love.
we will listen to that super bass,
raise our glasses,
 get on the floor and start shuffling
in our pumped up kicks to the edge of glory
because party rock is in the house tonight!}
-clever fella


{her via text: just making sure you're not dead.
me: i'm not dead.
her: i'm glad sweetie. hi from me to you.}
-mom

{them: don't forget to remember who you are,
and when you do,
we'll be here to remind you of true things.}
-the world's greatests







Saturday, August 27, 2011

so anoint my head with joy, and joyful i will be.



{you did it: you changed my wild lament
into whirling dance,
you ripped off my black mourning band
and decked me with wildflowers.}

-30: 11-12, a david psalm





Wednesday, August 24, 2011

disney school drop-out

at the end of a very long & tired day,
i was standing in line at the Joe's.
there was a little girl in line in front of me with her mom,
she looked about 4 or 5.
she was looking at me,
so i smiled at her as i adjusted my basket.

all of a sudden i hear her whisper,
"mommy- is that snow white?"
her mom turned and looked at me,
and was probably thinking,
"pffft- yeah right sweetie, that's snow white...
the girl with a coffee stain on her dress,
a nose ring, tattoos and a bottle of wine- ha."
but instead she said,
"i don't know sweetie, why don't you ask her."

i knelt down in front of her and said,
"hi sweetheart, what's your name?"
her eyes got soo big and she shifted around her mom's legs
to shy away from me.
i stood back up,
adjusting my basket again.
in that moment,
all i wanted to do was protect that little girl from everything.
from speeding tickets,
and broken bones,
and broken hearts,
and overdraft fees,
and most of all...from disappointment.

i wanted to promise her that forest animals will come help her clean,
and sing songs with her,
fresh apple pies,
mines full of diamonds,
prince charming,
happily ever after,
and most of all...assurance that the villain always dies in the end.

i'm snapped out of it by the *beep* of the scanner,
and "hi, how are you today?"
"oh i'm fine thank you, how are you?"

the little girl is still looking at me,
as her mom scoops up all their bags.
as they start to leave, she grabs her mom's hand and whispers,
"i think that really is her mommy."
she musters a tiny wave at me.

i laugh under my breath, smiling,
and wave back.

"kids huh?" says the cashier.
"yeah."

as i drove home
i thought about how darling of an encounter that was.
who knew that a dress with puffy sleeves,
a headband in your hair,
and glitter shoes,
could make you a disney princess
in the eyes of a child.

i fumbled with my keys and bag walking up my driveway,
and looked down to see a squirrel sitting on my porch steps.
i laughed out loud as it scurried off.
oh man.
a squirrel- in downtown phoenix.

now, i can assure you,
i am not snow white.
far, far from it actually.

but  at the end of a long day,
that little girl made my year.
and although i know that someday she will grow up
and realize that she in fact did not meet snow white at the grocery store,
i hope that tonight as she falls asleep,
she thinks she did,
and she dreams of happily ever after.



Tuesday, August 23, 2011

tattoo me, tattoo you, tat-two

i'm a sucker for tattoos.
i may not like every tattoo,
but i love the idea of having a unique drawing on your skin.
something that is a part of you.
that means something to you.

although tattoo trends all over the world
have shifted for centuries,
it has always been one thing.
art.
and i have a great appreciation.

i love getting messages or pictures from friends
who just got a new tattoo and wanna show me,
or want to get a tattoo and want me to draw it.
(i always feel so honored).
do you know that tattoos were first introduced
into the western world via pirates?
oh my my.


here are three that i've been love.ing lately
{via tattoologist).


i'll be yer anchor.

i really really want this.
lookit how cute.
wanna go get these and give eachother pirate names?

let's.


tickle my feather

soo pretty.



and this...


wander.

and then, when you've traveled and played in new places,
you could pick your favourite color from that place,
and color it in with little circles,
to mark where you've been.



Monday, August 22, 2011

have a penny, leave a penny.

music.
i could get lost.
i usually do.
i sometimes get overwhelmed by how much good music there is in the world.
i've been fortunate to always have musically
inclined friends & lovahs in my life.
i never really have to go looking.
i usually have far too much good music than i know what to do with.

spotify.
the latest & greatest.
do you have one?
i'd love to hear what you're listening to these days.
i've been soaking up people's playlists,
and finally made a few of mine public.
i waited- mostly because of the pressure
(real or perceived) that i feel.
the pressure to 'be cool', to 'be listening to new & fresh & great finds'.
welp, i'm not that.
i'm just me.
and you're more than welcome to take a listen-
to what i'm listening too,
living by,
or just historically love.

either way,
you can find me here:

(i'm also still a little spotify illiterate...
so after i finally made some playlists public,
i deleted the imported music from itunes, in spotify.
silly girl.
i'm currently re-uploading them,
so you get the full 'playlist effect')

send my inbox a song or artist you're currently lovin' or think i'd dig,
and i'll send you one back.


{hapy listening}

Friday, August 19, 2011

{my fellow wanderer}

hi there.
hapy friday.
this week i'm going to feature
one of my nearest & dearest.
equally restless with wanderlust,
she has traveled and played in far more corners of the world than i.
she is 100lbs of fire, passion & love,
and is oh so inspiring.

and today she blogged about wonder & play
(with a little help from 2 greats: bon iver & t.s.eliot)

check out her ideas, insights & current wanderings here:

there, you'll also find this little gem.
{music by bon iver: ‘holocene’ // video by NE direction}


i would like to find that little boy,
and hear of his every adventure.
if you know him,
please let me know.


pick a place to play,
i'll meet you there as soon as i can.


let's.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

draw me a daydream distraction.

sometimes the only way i get through
boring meetings,
and conference calls,
and day-long trainings,
is to sketch & doodle my daydreams,
(and my nightdreams too).


here's one:



{as she tangled herself in her sheets,
she tied a feather in her hair~
just in case if when she woke,
the stars had aligned him there.}





Wednesday, August 17, 2011

letting go of the idea that i ever had control in the first place.

the other day when i was running,
i started thinking about what was driving me onward.
'am i running towards, or away from something?...
i guess i'll know when i get there.'

this thought launched me into a philosophical dialogue,
with myself.
weird i know, but it's actually quite common in my world.
i started thinking about how much i like the idea of perceived control.
i like to believe that i am in control of most everything,
when in reality,
i spend most of my life feeling like i have no
control over anything.
(which just further drives my need for control).

i like to feel in control of:
what i feel,
what i eat,
what i do after work,
what i wear,
where my future is going,
what i show to people,
what i'm in charge of,
who i talk to,
who i love,
when i exercise,
what art i make,
what i look like in pictures,
...
and ultimately
...
the idea that:
i'm doing what i'm supposed to be doing,
when i'm supposed to be doing it.

i've recently realized,
that the only thing that i'm really in control of,
is the acceptance that i'm not in control of anything.
(and there can be such freedom here).

one of my favorite authors talks about this idea of responding vs reacting.
that we are able to choose if we want to respond (calmly & with intention),
or react (i envision this as chaotic, immediate & flailing in nature).

if ultimate control is not an option,
then i would like to choose responding -not reacting.

last weekend i jumped out of a plane.
the only thing i controlled was that i chose to do it.
the choice for me to give up control in this situation seemed
more natural than anything i have ever done in my life.
my tandem (who i met about 10 minutes before the jump):
put my harness on me like i was a rag doll,
strapped and tightened everything down,
showed me where to go,
sat me on the plane,
showed me his magic watch that told us important things,
and asked me if i'd like to control the chute.
-um, no-
i asked him how many times he had done this and he said,
"oh, well over 15,000."
i'm gonna go ahead and leave the parachute opening to the guy that
has done this 15,000 more times than me.
in that moment, all i was responsible for was trying to keep
my feet together as best i could.

they opened the plane door,
he told me to pick up my feet,
he attached me to him with one strap around my waist,
and 2 carabiners,
one on each shoulder.
WHAT- 2 carabiners.
this is all that was keeping me attached to the guy that had the
parachute on his back,
and ensuring that i didn't plummet to my death.

he put his legs on either side of me,
picked me up,
scooted me to the end of the bench,
and in one fluid motion said,
"feet together, head back."
as he hurled me out of a plane at 13,000 feet.

i was holding onto my shoulder straps,
the width of a jansport backpack
(the same ones only attached to him via 2 carabiners),
and trying with all my might to keep my feet together.

i have never felt more liberated.

weightless,
and peaceful,
and flying.
falling through the clouds,
and feeling suspended in the the big, blue sky.

never have i felt so safe and free in my life,
nothing was up to me.
by far, my greatest experience yet.


i should give up control more often.



Friday, August 12, 2011

oh! and to feel alive.

about 3 weeks ago,
and old & dear friend called me up out of the blue.
we probably haven't really spoken in 4 years.
ta, she said, i want to go skydiving for my birthday
& was trying to think of a brave soul who might come with me,
and you came to mind...
will you go?

of course! i said.
i've always wanted to go.
for my 18th birthday,
with friends in college,
over the ocean...
but just never have.
(maybe because it's crazy)

well, there were 5 other girls who had signed up to go with us.
as of tonight, i'm the last one standing.
just us.
2 gals, nervous as a knife fight.
it's gonna be great.
i've always wanted to fly,
and although this will be more like falling,
(very.very.fast)
it's the closest i'm gonna get.
i really hope i get to touch some clouds.
i also hope that i don't look like a total doofus.
(not holding my breath on that last one).

here's some visual inspiration:


fact: i will free fall at 120mph, 200ft per second, for 60 seconds. whoa.



you get to pick if you want to be in control of the parachute- um, no.



you jump from a moving plane at 13,000 ft.



{i wanna dance on the clouds}



our appointment's at 10:00am,
so i'll be falling from the sky around 11...
look up & you just might see me.


{fly little blue}

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

september 1980

i found this old picture of my momma yesterday.
it was taken in september 1980.
she would be the exact age that i am right now,
at about this very same time of year.
as i looked at it,
i couldn't help but wonder...
what did her life look like?
what did her heart feel like?
what did her little home look like?
did she drive the same roads that i do now, that look so different?
did she have as many quarter-life crises as i've had?
how strange to see my mom at my exact age.
how much stranger must this be for her?
to see me the exact age she once was.

: :

these are the things i know about her then:
she had been married to my dad for 6 months.
she had a cat named boots (that she loved dearly)- you can see it in the planter.
she and my pops had just moved to arizona on their honeymoon.
she just got a job at the phoenician,
(which she later quit passionately,
and jumped the fence with her best friend into the parking lot to get away),
and she ate peanut butter & jelly sandwiches almost everyday.
(i am sure she was just as dramatic & free spirited as me, if not way more)
i'm also sure that she was a total babe.
just look at that dress & her little shoes & those wide-rimmed glasses.
a blooming 1970s babe.


: :

i still have some of her clothes,
and sunglasses,
and shoes.
and i love wearing them.
ageless styles.
so good.



momma.



Friday, August 5, 2011

up, up, up!

hi.
it's friday.
time to wander & play.
: :
wanna go on a hot air balloon ride?
i'll pick you up in a half hour.
i'll bring some beers and my tambourine.
(you bring an old guitar).
we will rise higher...and higher,
until we get to the other side of the moon.
then,
we'll send songs down from the clouds.
and laugh, and laugh & laugh.

: :

let's.


you pick the colour, i'll pick the basket.


hapy.