if you pray for my soul after you read this, you didn't get it.

{if you don't want my opinion -and tonight i have a lot of them-, you shouldn't read this}

you can't say i didn't warn you,

so if you choose to keep reading,

come what may.

thank g-d i'm not g-d

for the last two weeks i've been infuriated and deeply saddened

by horrible things.

i don't understand the people who go through life with such

'la-di-da everything happens for a reason'

i think that's bullshit.
(i'm also slightly jealous of these people).
i think horrible shit happens because this world is clustercuss of suck and beauty.
because we are broken people doing the best we can with what we've got.

in my job, i read, hear and see tragic things everyday.
things that they don't even show on tv or in the movies.
things happening in my own backyard.
i have pretty thick skin, and a pretty thick mind,
but a heart that breaks every time.
just because i'm callous to the tragedy of life,
doesn't mean i don't feel. and feel deeply.
now, i believe so fully and completely in the overwhelming redemption and grace
of our sweet and mighty g-d.
i believe that no one is a lost cause.
that there is always, always hope.
i also want to believe in the deepest parts of my soul,
that the worst parts of hell are reserved for the people that get into
the business of helping wounded children,
to further victimize them.

people hurt people,
that's life.
people act out of their own hurt places when they hurt others.
i get that.
that's why i can do what i do and still show love.
love to those who neglect, abuse, offend.
even those who brutally hurt innocent and precious children.
and are sorry, or don't know better.
but those who masquerade around as a 'helper'
only to get closer to children
who have already been through more than
any one person should ever have to experience in their lifetime.
to learn the language
and the system
and how 'not to get caught'
-that is my breaking point.

i pray the death of a thousand deaths on those people.
thank g-d i'm not g-d, i could never do it.
i'd never want to even try.



not my APU

anyone who knows me,
knows i've always had a passionate love/hate
relationship with my alma mater.
a school that taught be more about love
than any one person.
who broke and built and broke my faith.
who gave me refuge and a safe place to wrestle
with life and questions.
a campus that breathed the gospel. lived the gospel.
who acted totally out of line with the gospel
and f*cked me over too many times to count.
who drove me to illness and hospitalizations.
who fostered a spirit of genuine community so great,
that i may forever wander to find it again.
and still fail.

in the last 4 years,
i have spent almost as much time processing college and what to do with myself
as i spent actually being in college.
i have cried, and raised my fists in anger.
cursed that the only thing keeping me in this country
are my chains from APU student loans,
suffocating me.

...and just more recently,
have been grateful.
have whispered, 'in the end, i love you apu.'

then, as with any lover,
as soon as you are feeling really good about your relationship,
devastation happens.
recently i've been talking to some fellow alum (well sort of)
about their apu.
their apu looked a lot like mine.
a passionate and messy love affair,
until the end.
until they were outed for being gay,
or until the health center produced a positive pregnancy test.

but i thought you left because you were sick?
i thought you wanted to transfer to the midwest?
my face contorted between confusion, deep pain and fierce anger.
a code of silence?
forced to leave?
not my apu, i shook my head. never.
my apu?
but there were so many gay people there.
-who could never come out & had cover relationships
but there were so many couples having sex, anyone could have gotten pregnant.
-then they left or their parents made them have an abortion.
WHAT?!?!?!!!
i could die.
i went home and stormed around my house,
so furious i was sure my head was smoking like they do in a cartoon.
pacing and pacing and pacing.
it took my greatest resolve not to break the glass to my diploma,
tear it to a million pieces and spit on it.
how could i be associated with an institution that
simultaneously teaches you how to love so deeply
and judge no one,
and treat their children this way?
a code of silence?! are you f*cking kidding me?!

g-d i hate christians sometimes.
we can be the absolute worst.

i have to believe that if i sat down with the president or vice president,
that they would offer me tea and cookies and reassure me that they had no idea
that was happening.
they would wipe my tears and assure me, gently and with kind eyes,
that's not my apu.


i'm sure this too will pass.
i'm so hurt and sad at you apu.
i'm sure i'll eventually forgive you,
like i've forgiven the church over and over.
even if this is my apu,
it's not my God.
and that's makes me feel better.

oh so pretties.

here are my most recent fashion obsessions for your viewing pleasure.



gosh.



i've never liked animal print before this.
my favourite little outfit.







everything, oh my.



heels & slouchy shorts



casual dream.



that little purse, that little wrist covered.



i need these for when i live in paris.



to wear with this pretty little white.



grow hairs, so i can wrap this scarf around you. (please).



i bought this anthro one-piece this weekend.
i decided i'm in my late 20s now,
maybe it's time.

happy tuesday to you!

old yellowed books & gargoyle hunting

i decided i would like to go on a castle tour.

we could pack hats & a camera & a book about castles.

we would explore all their rooms,

and find secret passage ways,

and pull heavy, yellowed, dusty books of library shelves.

we would go gargoyle hunting,

and tell ghost stories,

and laugh when we were spooked.

we would get lost in the country side,

and have picnics,

and drink spirits out of wooden mugs,

and meet wonderful people.

wanna wanna?

here are some castles,

we could see these ones....





germany 



scotland



the island of anglesey

austria



netherlands

france

 

look at this one! (italy)



spain



switzerland





Eilean Donna Castle

and this one you can stay in while on a traveling tour through Dublin, Waterford, Kerry, Galway & Cork!

oh my, my. let's go. 
i'll meet you in amsterdam.



bend or bust.

so, i created a blog day where i can feature all the marvelously talented

and inspiring people in my life.

i have so many talented and creative friends.

friends who are event planners, flower designers, painters, singers, composers, musicians, poets, product creators, wise thinkers, writers, fashion designers, decorators, innovators, health and business consultants

and of course, polymaths.

(and am also inspired by so many others that i would love to be friends with some day).

i feel so lucky to be surrounded by such inspiration and creativity all the time.

so why haven't i ever blogged on a thursday before??

i guess the answer is, i don't know.

: :

today i thought i would start by featuring 3 of my favourites who are all very closely tied in lives and talent.

from phoenix, minnesota, and the southern coast of california they all found their way to bend.

nate brocious. tom monson. grace laxson
outrageously loving, sassy, masters of sarcasm, beautiful people who can cuss with the best of them.

(they are all so wonderful. i hope you get to meet them someday.)

here are some of their current projects where they play, create & inspire.

: :

Nate Brocious and Grace Laxson are in this band together:

The Heroes of Telemark

band members: Justin Lavik, Grace Laxson, Ricky Newton, Mark Gillem
& Nate Brocious

you should....

listen to BRIGHT BRASSY MOON.  

 &

listen to Not Too Late (live from McMenamins).

& if you like them, prove it...

check out their facebook fan page here.

: :

i've known tom for almost 9 years, and i remember when he first started strumming a guitar.
now he and grace write and sing and perform often. oh, i love it!

listen to my dear friend tom & his pretty little gracie sing their original song
Come Ye Angels.

tom's also a very talented artist
(and the Executive Gallery Director of PoetHouse Art in Bend, OR)

check out his work here.

: :

grace and her sisters grew up singing with their mama. their voices sound like angels.

listen to gracie and her pretty sisters sing down in the river to pray.

: :

hope you enjoyed them as much as i do.
love.

things my mama & joni taught me about love.

this week,

it's been joni mitchell,

helping me make sense of things,

and love,

and life.

(these can be tricky and fickle things).

but beautiful, no doubt.

my mama always taught me to be a wildflower.

she loved my pops,

but spoke of her true love when i was old enough.

mike cavannah.

wherever you are,

...she still loves you.

i wonder if he'll ever know...

i tried to find him once,

one summer before we went home to chicago.

i even borrowed my grandpa's car

and drove to his only known address.

i met his folks,

aged with time.

they said he hadn't lived there in years.

when they asked who i was

i told them,

'just a friend of a friend'.

i said goodbye and quickly left

and sat in my car,

outside a little cemetery for hours.

when i came home,

i told my family i had been at the mall.
i never told my mom.

here are some lovely little lyrics

from joni, about love and life

and all the silly little sorrows.

little green

{blue album}

listen here.

lyrics:

born with the moon of cancer

choose her a name she will answer to

call her green and the winters cannot fade her

call her green for the children who have made her

little, green, be a gypsy dancer.

he went to california

hearing that everything's warmer there

so you write him a letter, say, "her eyes are blue."

he sends you a poem and she's lost to you

little green, he's a non-conformer.

just a little green

like the color when the spring is born

there'll be crocuses to bring to school tomorrow

just a little green

like the nights when the Northern lights perform

there'll be icicles and birthday clothes

and sometimes there'll be sorrow.

child with a child pretending

weary of lies you are sending home

so you sign all the papers in the family name

you're sad and you're sorry, but you're not ashamed.

little green, have a happy ending.

just a little green

like the color when the spring is born

there'll be crocuses to bring to school tomorrow

just a little green

like the nights when the Northern lights perform

there'll be icicles and birthday clothes

and sometimes there'll be sorrow.

a case of you

{blue album}

listen here.

lyrics:

just before our love got lost you said,

"i am as constant as a northern star."

and i said, "constantly in the darkness

where's that at?

if you want me i'll be at the bar."

on the back of a cartoon coaster

in the blue t.v. screen light

i drew a map of canada

oh canada

with your face sketched on it twice

oh, you are in my blood like holy wine

you taste so bitter and so sweet

oh i could drink a case of you, darling

and i would still be on my feet

i would still be on my feet

oh i am a lonely painter

i live in a box of paints

i'm frightened by the devil

and i'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid

i remember that time you told me, you said,

"love is touching souls"

well surely you touched mine

'cause part of you pours out of me

in these lines from time to time

oh, you're in my blood like holy wine

you taste so bitter and so sweet

oh i could drink a case of you, darling

and i would still be on my feet

i would still be on my feet

i met a woman

she had a mouth like yours

she knew your life

she knew your devils and your deeds

and she said, "go to him, stay with him

if you can

but be prepared to bleed."

but you are in my blood

you're my holy wine

you taste so bitter and so sweet

oh, i could drink a case of you, darling

and i would still be on my feet

i would still be on my feet.



my listening and thinking and sometimes reading, glasses:



{i'll be the sea, if you'll be the moon.}



hapy monday.xo.

l'amour toujours, de Paris.

heels clicking on the cobblestone.

running barefoot in the rain.

laughing loud and deep.

whispers in a moody cafe.

loosing track of time in parks.

wandering in galleries for hours.

reading old books aloud to each other while laying in the cool grass.

finding old photographs,

and taking new ones.

giving each other french names.

little espresso cups,

and big glasses of wine.

hats & dresses, and you in linen pants.

let's.

what a beautiful G-d there must be.

last nite as i drifted off to sleep,

i came to peace with certain things that i have no control over.

things that remain unknowns, and what ifs, and sighs.

then t'day i woke up,

and had one of the strangest and least controlled days of my life.

i have to believe that G-d has a wonderful sense of humour.

i love laughing with him/her.

i also believe that G-d is madly in love with me.

i am madly in love right back.

life is weird.

so that's what you can expect...weirdness.

what a beautiful G-d there must be.

here are some lyrics to one of my all time favourite songs.

drink it up.

Allah, Allah, Allah

by: mwY

album: It's all crazy! It's all false! It's all a dream! It's alright.

In everywhere we look, in everywhere we look
In everywhere we look, in everywhere we look
In everywhere we look, in everywhere we look
Allah, Allah, Allah! in everywhere we look

In everyone we meet, in everyone we meet
In everyone we meet, in everyone we meet
In everyone we meet, in everyone we meet
Allah, Allah, Allah! in everyone we meet

In every blade of grass, in every blade of grass
In every blade of grass, in every blade of grass
In every blade of grass, in every blade of grass
Allah, Allah, Allah! in every blade of grass

It doesn't matter what you done
It doesn't matter what you done...
What effect is without a cause?
It doesn't matter what you done

Now lay your faithless head down
in necessity's Cotton Hand
There's a love that never changes
No matter what you done

If your old man did you wrong
If your old man did you wrong
If your old man did you wrong
Well, maybe his old man did him wrong

If you care to sing forgiveness songs
Come down and join our band
We'll cut you like a Sword
And sing forgiveness songs

(don't worry- it'll heal just fine!)

Everywhere we look, everywhere we look
Everywhere we look, everywhere we look
Everywhere we look,

it's all crazy!

it's all false!
It's all a dream!

it's alright.

everywhere we look

(bring it back now, one more time!)

find it and listen.

and if you like it...

you should also listen to this one too:

Timothy Hay

by: mwY

album: same

(the lyrics are oh so lovely)

to the waterside.

i always look forward to fridays.

my favourite blog day.

my favourite work day.

my favourite night.

liberated and dreaming.

it's gotten so much hotter here over the last week,

(and i don't mind).

i'm a sun baby,

a desert flower.

{i hate the phrase 'desert rat', so i changed it}

i find the desert beautiful,

and the hot sun on my skin soothing.

when i spent a summer in Namibia, Africa

someone shared this quote with me:

"G-d created water in countries to enable mankind to live there,

and deserts so that they may find their souls."

-Namibian Proverb

even after 6 years, i often think of this proverb.

although i feel very much at home in the desert,

a part of me believes that parts of my soul

are scattered among various watersides.

i long for the cool refreshing water as it laps on the shore.

the feel of green grass, long reeds, soft sand in my toes,

or the smooth stones of the mediterranean.

the rhythmic sound of the tide.

i hope to live out most of my life very near to a coast

(preferably in a foreign land)

but for t'day,

i would like to go here. and here. and here.

i'll race you to the waterside.

...

work wisdom.

so my naturopathic doctor told me that the reason i am sick is because i am suppressing my feelings.

jeesh! how much more can i feel my feelings??

i mean really.

just give me some vitamin C & echinacea already.

here's an idea: dear feelings, feel whatever you want, i'm taking a vacation.

i was talking to my wonderfully wise clinical care director about this idea in general yesterday,

(right before she sent me home sick from work- i felt like i was in grade school).

i said, "wouldn't it be so nice if you could take a little break from yourself? you know, just for a few minutes."

she said, "oh, you have to do that. everyday."

"what?" i asked.

she said, "all people primarily operate out of either their head, their heart or their hands.

if you are a head person, you need to do something with your heart and hands everyday, to get out of your head. if you're a heart person, you need to do something with your head and hands to get away from your feelings. if you're a hands person, you need to sit with her thoughts and feelings every day.

this reminds us that we can't live out of just one place."

{what a beautiful reminder}

earlier last week, i was reflecting on how grateful i am to have had this experience at my current job.

although i'm actively looking for something more creative to do with my daily life,

i know that this work, this job, has given me a lot.

i have met crazy, wonderful people.

i have seen and heard things, i never otherwise would have.

i have been tried, and grown, and strengthened.

i have remembered things i needed to remember.

while sitting one of my favourite gals at the hospital the other day,

she turned to me and said,

"tannia..."

"yes," i said.

"you know, i have moments of sanity where i realize that i'm completely insane," she said.

"well...that's more than i've got," i said.

she squeezed my hand, smiled & closed her eyes.

funny phoenix

so last night i was out with a lady friend,

and we met this guy.

well actually we were playing a fun game we like play

where we try to guess people's name and their profession.

so there were these 2 guys sitting near by...

they kept eyeing my gal pal to death.

we decided that the one guy in the dress shirt, tie and jeans probably had a super common name like matt or chris and worked as a shoe salesman at Macy's.

his buddy in the tevas with socks, grew up in the northwest and worked at a rock climbing gym.

eventually, my friend went to chat with them (after much motivational speaking).

she was fabulous! (and super ballsy)

she walked up to him and said, "so here's the deal...you've been eyeing my all night. and that's ok, i've been eyeing you right back.) what!! nice.

she started chatting with them and found out that his name was tom (nailed it)

and he worked for a local radio station (103.9 -of course).

as a smile grew across my sassy face, i looked up from my phone & asked him:

"name your three favourite bands."

tom: blink 182, 311...and

(interrupting him with loud laughter) me: and let me guess...incubus!

tom didn't find it as funny as me. i was not trying to be rude.

tom: wait, why are you laughing??? those are great bands!

me: no, i know they are. i like them all, i can just tell you were born & raised in phoenix.

tom: what does that mean?

me: well, you probably grew up in north phoenix and moved to tempe the first chance you got. you are a die hard suns fan (even though neither of your parents are from here originally), 

who graduated from ASU. please tell me you don't also have a lifted white truck.

tom: ok, that's creepy.

me: no, that's phoenix.

and throw 'i love you' echoes down the canyon

thus begins a week of just me,

a gal in a little, old house.

in reflection and sitting.

movies & wine & listening to music on the floor.

(and playfully strumming on my guitar that i have no idea how to play).

i think i like folk music the best because it's so raw.

like when you close your eyes,

it's like they're just sitting there, right next to you,

strumming a sweet song,

like you've always been friends.

this song makes me wanna lay in the sticky, sweet summa grass.

{have a listen}

please come to boston- dave loggins

dreamland.

remember when you were a kid and you were allowed to believe in most everything?

before that mean kid in your 2nd grade class told you santa wasn't real,

or you started learning about 'forklore'.

i remember sitting in clover patches for hours on end,

determined to find one with 4 leaves so i could meet a leprechaun

and travel with him to his rainbow and pot of gold.

my mom used to let me take 'the good tupperware' out into the backyard,

where i would mix up mud pies and cauldrons full of potions & stews for hours.

{really believing it could be magic}.

i remember thinking that any day now, animals would start talking to me when no one was looking,

or i was going to fall into my own rabbit hole...

my parents fostered my wild imagination & never told me i was being 'too silly'.

i remember wanting to be the first woman everything (very ambitious little ta).

one summer i was determined that if i went to space camp,

NASA would see how invaluable i was, and let me go on the next mission with them.

my mom looked up every possible space camp within 12 states.

well, i was too young, or too little, so she let me turn our living room into 'space camp' for 3 weeks!

she got me huge boxes & markers & old helmets & tin foil & saran wrap

(& anything else a real astronaut may need).

she even bought me freeze dried snacks from an army supply store.

(they were disgusting, but i ate them enthusiastically - because i had to, if i was going to prove myself as a great astronaut).

as an adult, i realized that not every child got to have these wild adventures whenever they wanted.

some kids never got to wear their 'dress up' shoes to school,

or make boats out of old newspapers to sail in ponds...

now, it's not like we ran a muck all over the house and the neighborhood,

we were not unruly children.

we learned how to fold fancy napkins,

and pull weeds, and go to bed when it was bedtime.

we were just allowed to play hard.

i've been told that i've always been an old soul,

so i am so grateful that i was never told i needed to 'grow up' when i was a kid.

a part of me has always been a grown-up.

this type of childhood freedom has allowed me to carry

wonder and wild imagination into adulthood.

{how liberating!}

this does not make me irresponsible.

rather, it allows me to keep dreaming,

and keep playing,

no matter how old i am.

here's what i wish my backyard looked like these days:




what a divine dream! could you imagine?

 



at night we could take this staircase, having tea along the way...

 



and sleep here. reading, and laughing, and playing.

 

meet you there.

i'm gonna dancedancedance, like jesus said.

i love dancing.

love. love.

i'm going to start dancing again.

i've looked up studios.

i'm very excited.

here are some lovely things about dancing:



{paula mills}

"The most exuberant expression of the body is in dance.

Dance theater is wonderful.

The dance becomes fluent sculpture.

The body shapes the emptiness poignantly and majestically."

-JD

"You did it: you changed my wild lament into whirling dance;

You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers."

{psalm 30:11}

let us dance together.