Wednesday, June 29, 2011

if you pray for my soul after you read this, you didn't get it.

{if you don't want my opinion -and tonight i have a lot of them-, you shouldn't read this}

you can't say i didn't warn you,
so if you choose to keep reading,
come what may.

thank g-d i'm not g-d

for the last two weeks i've been infuriated and deeply saddened
by horrible things.
i don't understand the people who go through life with such
'la-di-da everything happens for a reason'
i think that's bullshit.
(i'm also slightly jealous of these people).
i think horrible shit happens because this world is clustercuss of suck and beauty.
because we are broken people doing the best we can with what we've got.

in my job, i read, hear and see tragic things everyday.
things that they don't even show on tv or in the movies.
things happening in my own backyard.
i have pretty thick skin, and a pretty thick mind,
but a heart that breaks every time.
just because i'm callous to the tragedy of life,
doesn't mean i don't feel. and feel deeply.
now, i believe so fully and completely in the overwhelming redemption and grace
of our sweet and mighty g-d.
i believe that no one is a lost cause.
that there is always, always hope.
i also want to believe in the deepest parts of my soul,
that the worst parts of hell are reserved for the people that get into
the business of helping wounded children,
to further victimize them.

people hurt people,
that's life.
people act out of their own hurt places when they hurt others.
i get that.
that's why i can do what i do and still show love.
love to those who neglect, abuse, offend.
even those who brutally hurt innocent and precious children.
and are sorry, or don't know better.
but those who masquerade around as a 'helper'
only to get closer to children
who have already been through more than
any one person should ever have to experience in their lifetime.
to learn the language
and the system
and how 'not to get caught'
-that is my breaking point.

i pray the death of a thousand deaths on those people.
thank g-d i'm not g-d, i could never do it.
i'd never want to even try.

not my APU

anyone who knows me,
knows i've always had a passionate love/hate
relationship with my alma mater.
a school that taught be more about love
than any one person.
who broke and built and broke my faith.
who gave me refuge and a safe place to wrestle
with life and questions.
a campus that breathed the gospel. lived the gospel.
who acted totally out of line with the gospel
and f*cked me over too many times to count.
who drove me to illness and hospitalizations.
who fostered a spirit of genuine community so great,
that i may forever wander to find it again.
and still fail.

in the last 4 years,
i have spent almost as much time processing college and what to do with myself
as i spent actually being in college.
i have cried, and raised my fists in anger.
cursed that the only thing keeping me in this country
are my chains from APU student loans,
suffocating me.

...and just more recently,
have been grateful.
have whispered, 'in the end, i love you apu.'

then, as with any lover,
as soon as you are feeling really good about your relationship,
devastation happens.
recently i've been talking to some fellow alum (well sort of)
about their apu.
their apu looked a lot like mine.
a passionate and messy love affair,
until the end.
until they were outed for being gay,
or until the health center produced a positive pregnancy test.

but i thought you left because you were sick?
i thought you wanted to transfer to the midwest?
my face contorted between confusion, deep pain and fierce anger.
a code of silence?
forced to leave?
not my apu, i shook my head. never.
my apu?
but there were so many gay people there.
-who could never come out & had cover relationships
but there were so many couples having sex, anyone could have gotten pregnant.
-then they left or their parents made them have an abortion.
i could die.
i went home and stormed around my house,
so furious i was sure my head was smoking like they do in a cartoon.
pacing and pacing and pacing.
it took my greatest resolve not to break the glass to my diploma,
tear it to a million pieces and spit on it.
how could i be associated with an institution that
simultaneously teaches you how to love so deeply
and judge no one,
and treat their children this way?
a code of silence?! are you f*cking kidding me?!

g-d i hate christians sometimes.
we can be the absolute worst.

i have to believe that if i sat down with the president or vice president,
that they would offer me tea and cookies and reassure me that they had no idea
that was happening.
they would wipe my tears and assure me, gently and with kind eyes,
that's not my apu.

i'm sure this too will pass.
i'm so hurt and sad at you apu.
i'm sure i'll eventually forgive you,
like i've forgiven the church over and over.
even if this is my apu,
it's not my God.
and that's makes me feel better.

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