Wednesday, May 30, 2012

find what you most need.

{you know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.}  -we bought a zoo

This year I made a promise to myself to take mini risks with reckless abandon.
Not in a way that would hurt others,
But in a way that would force me into bravery.
To speak out loud the words I’ve kept tucked away,
To travel to new places,
To put all my eggs in one basket,
To say what I want and not feel guilty or undeserving,
To make my own happiness,
To risk that nothing may change,
at the tiny possibility that something might.
facing the sorrow and loss and disappointment (come what may)
under the hope that along the way,
this journey will inform me of wholeness.
That I will find, discover, uncover what I most need.

Despite that this has been the darkest and hardest year of my life (so far..),
Consistently getting more and more difficult and scary and sad at every turn,
I’m just a fool who believes that we can make our own happiness,
And love can come easy.
That it’s supposed to come easy.
So, I’m going to keep saying ‘yes’ to the things I want to say yes to more than 50% of the time,
And ‘no’ to the things that don’t bring me life.
And for the things that fall somewhere in the middle,
I’ll keep taking today, as today, for today.
In the knowledge that today is good.

Grateful for the breath in my lungs,
Even when I wish I wasn’t breathing.
For the music in my ears,
Even when it reminds me of sorrow.
For the grace of the good people who surround me,
And love me, and carry me, and tuck me in when I most need it.
I’ll helplessly receive and freely give,
and keep taking mini risks, especially when they scare me the most.

{And throw me out the side of a plane, and I’ll just see where I land.} – Jack PeƱate

Thursday, May 10, 2012

i'm only in the market for long, loud laughter.

{sadness be gone! let's be people who deserve to be loved,
who are worthy, because we ARE worthy.}

-annie :: happythankyoumoreplease

Monday, May 7, 2012

{the summer's gone, and so are we}

"its a song about all the things you lose when you know you shouldn't lose them
its about falling in love and knowing you love someone and knowing you will leave them all at the same time.
i sat in an airport terminal on the southeast tip of america waiting for my girlfriend to come
i hadn't seen her in months. her plane was late and i sat at the gate
and i watched the planes come down on the tarmac i watched the sun come down on the ocean
and i thought, god, i love her so much, and i am going to leave her so soon. sometimes you just know it all at once
its the best and the worst feeling ever. i guess you should have moments that feel beautiful and  you are going to have moments where you lose everything.
and i suppose its better to have something. so this is a song about winning and losing and its called miami." -Adam Duritz

Sunday, May 6, 2012

collapse into laugh tracks..

“Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire.” 
-Jarod Kintz

  “ was her habit to build up laughter out of inadequate materials.” 

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

we had long since forgotten..

every rare once in a while there is this moment.
a moment when time stops for a second, 
and you're a little outside of yourself (like observing a movie scene),
and you have this realization.
a realization that you've just become something you've long since forgotten you had someday hoped to become.

this happened to me recently.
last friday night my friend Andrew was house sitting this beautiful home in paradise valley,
so myself and our other friend Justin grabbed a couple movies,
grabbed some drinks and went to hang.
typically he just house sits,
but this time, the youngest daughter (a high schooler) 
had stayed home from the family trip.
Andrew, Justin and myself had poured some wine,
opened some beers and made ourselves comfortable in their out-cove.
we were sitting and chatting about life via lantern light on indoor patio furniture,
when the daughter and two of her friends pulled up the drive in a mustang.
they were bouncy and giggly and came romping into the house.

in their tiny little shorts and spaghetti strap tanks, 
they came filing into the doorway to say hello,
taco bell baggies dangling in hand. 
as Andrew introduced up,
they rapidly told us of their evening's adventure
and giddied on about a boy named 'bod'.
they were cute and polite and reminded me of a girl I used to be.
they complimented my shoes and my lipstick, 
and as they went to eat and watch a movie,
you could hear the friends comment 'he's sooo cute!'

that's when it happened.
as i sipped on my beer, subconsciously noticing how different their energy was from ours
while they filed away from the door frame,
i had this memory flash.
i was about their age,
on my annual summer trip to escondido.
i had come back from the beach and walking to a smoothie shop with my cousins,
and returned home to find my uncle and his two friends (a guy & a girl) sitting out by the pool.
they had to have been about the same age i am now.
i vividly remember thinking how cool they were.
just lounging and talking about life.
drinking wine and beers and how i longed for those days.
the days where i had grown into my skin and self a bit more.
my uncle's ladyfriend had this hair like an early Elaine on Seinfeld,
just wild and free, soft curls moving with the breeze.
they dressed different than us,
like they weren't trying to impress anyone,
and just had this aura like:
we've lived some years, learned some things, calmed down a bit.
i wanted to be them.

as i came back to focus,
i took notice.
linen couches, lantern lighting in a room of brick & window walls,
cold beer in hand,
sparkly oxfords and a patterned pencil skirt,
an inside out grey Marines tee that i had tied at my natural waistline.
red lipstick and a topknot.
guys engaged in conversation,
sharing a bottle of wine, open on the table.
talking about design and hard work and dreams.
talking about how everyone's having babies.

and i realized:
we had become what i had hoped to at their age.
an interactive role reversal.
i shared my thoughts with the fellas and they both recounted similar experiences from when they were younger.
we took a drink, 
sat in silence,
and just...felt cool.
in that moment,
this moment,
we had become something we had long since forgotten we had hoped to become.