{with yer carefully designed topless swimsuit}

rivers and roads, rivers and roads, rivers til I reach you..

look up at the treetops

see the sun flutter through

listen to the air as it's breathing

listen to the grass as it's growing

feel the river rushing,

down in your anxious bones

the fox is running,

quickly swiftly he goes

red flash, white tip

fading

awake my soul

the light is pulsing

down in the riverbed

the cool cool stones

know the tales of ages past

keeper of fallen trees

muddy toes, free floating laughter

on the summer breeze

icy berries in the snow

red with warning

lay yourself down in the lily fields

the snakes are belly up

coy smiles on their faces

heather mountain tops reaching

the place of dreams.

dream little dreamer

sleep these days

night is coming like a horseman

urgent lantern lights

demand your feet to dance.

toes like fallen stars.

{free verse::down in your anxious bones::by(me)::2012}



today i would go...

...anywhere you asked me to. {let's}

do-overs. // practicing 'presence'

As my birthday approaches, I've been thinking a lot. reflecting on my years- this one specifically. how i want to live them (my future ones) wisely and wildly, with juicy passion and experiencing everything i can. to be fully alive. to choose the things/people that make me come/feel alive. to laugh deeply and loudly. to be silly and thoughtful and engaged in challenging conversations. surrounded by people who force me to think about tough issues, and read up on politics or religion, and fiercely push my creative self. people who believe in me, who are smarter than me, and more well read than me. people who enjoy my company. people with whom i can most be myself. comfortably and confidently, embracing my identify. feeling known.

 

I've been thinking a lot about events and actions, and words, and mistakes&good choices.

Often times when I do something, or something happens, I’ll wish I had a ‘do-over’.

That we were given a certain number of ‘do-overs’ in our lifetime to use as we please, to go back and do something differently or to un-do something we did.

Go back a few days, and start again.

Re-do some parts of college.

Go back before I sent that text when I was a little too full of liquid courage.

Go back and make prettier the things that reflect poorly on my character,

or that I know I could do better the second time around.

For the last few years, I’ve been trying to practice ‘presence’.

Being fully present in this moment, in this season of my life, in this very day.

Today, as today, for today.

Expressing gratitude in all things, come what may.

(Being really thankful for things like a 10-key or rainbows or singing or different flavors or other things that aren't necessary for life to happen at all, that make life soo much more full of enjoyment. Luxuries that we didn’t create that make me think “thankyou, moreplease”).

I think that if I had the power to initiate ‘do-overs’ I would never really live.

I would instead spend most of my time ‘doing-over’ the same things.

As a natural perfectionist, I see this could trap me.

Un-doing or re-doing something once would probably not satisfy me (although I say it would, now).

In reality, I would always see another way I could keep improving it.

With life just happening, moving you forward, unable to erase, you are forced to be more free.

Forced to embrace grace. Grace for yourself, grace for others.

Forced to adapt and grow in new ways. Ways that are uncomfortable, painful or thrilling.

Forced to be ‘present’.

To reflect on your behavior and continue developing your character.

To be responsible with your head and your heart and the things life’s lessons have taught you.

To become someone you’re proud of.

{It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.} –E.E. Cummings

 

I'm not done growing (thankGod).

I'm also more present today than I was the day before and the time before that.

I believe that I am becoming the best me, and you- the best you.

don't give up.

in time, we'll all get there, and we'll all be really proud of each other...and proud of ourselves.

 

may we know greater love. 

may we know greater grace. 

may we know ourselves and who we are meant to become.

 

come.what.may...(i'm ready for ya)

 

 

 

 

dear, fairy godmother...

a vintage inspired oxford glass slipper?

*what*

now, i'm no cinderella,

but i'm quite certain that me & these shoes

could live happily.ever.after.  

irregular choice: bonnie bonnie bootie

{don't listen to a word i say}

los angeles.

 

{come on, take a walk down sunset with me}

 

the books that i keep by my bed..

{i'm looking for a place to start,

but everything feels so different now.

just grab a hold of my hand,

i will lead you through this wonderland.

water up to my knees,

but sharks are swimming in the sea.

just follow my yellow light,

and ignore those big warning signs.

somewhere deep in the dark,

a howling beast hears us talk.

i dare you to close your eyes,

and see all the colours in disguise.

 running into the night,

the earth is shaking and i see a light.

the light is blinding my eyes,

as the soft walls eat us alive.}

Of Monsters And Men – Yellow Light (listen.)

brave on the rocks

me: it's all just one big tragic misunderstanding...

b: what is?

me: life.

b: you know, it's refreshing when you're a little dark. you're far too joyful all the time, considering.

this was the end of a conversation at work the other day.

the day one of my employees told me she had feelings for me.

file that under: things you don't see coming.

it was the end of my clinical supervision with her.

i care about my employees, absolutely.

i ask them about their lives,

and their stress level, 

and remember things like their kid's birthday.

but at work, i'm all about work.

i don't hang out with employees outside the office,

i imagine i can be a little cold.

this gal, so shy. 

still pretty new to the office.

you would just never expect it.

when she said, "i need to tell you something..."

i thought she was going to tell me she was quitting.

going back to school or moving home.

nope.

i'm pretty good about staying neutral,

playing it cool,

 but i was literally shocked.

she was SUPER embarrassed.

i hope i was kind.

i'm not sure what she was hoping would come of that completely unprofessional disclosure,

but a part of me is a little impressed*.

i mean, she just said it.

went for it.

so seemingly uncharacteristic of her.

and now she knows. 

she knows i like boys,

she knows i would never entertain something unprofessional at work,

and she just has to embrace reality.

no wondering,

or thinking, 

just truth.

how refreshing somehow.

(uncomfortable for a little while- sure, but refreshing).

brave on the rocks.

good for her.

(*i do not condone telling your boss you like them. you should not.)

give me fashion, or give me death!!

trends,

fashion,

movements,

have always been a thrashing combination of:

freedom&rebellion.

and here you have it. 

fashion has achieved it's highest trend:

"i do what i want"

nothing is mainstream, except the idea that everything goes.

all of these images,

simultaneously in the 'week's top fashion trends'. 

glory hallelujah.

be you, be free.

after all, it's trendy.

he had a printed card & everything.

 

{Momma interrupted with fresh news:

"An arrogant young photographer from the Philadelphia Bulletin came up to Esther when she had her defenses down and got her to promise to pose for some pictures and then took up so much of our time here in the hotel courtyard we never did get to Lewes and see the old place once more before they tear it down."

For a disgusted moment Esther thought her mother might burst into tears; she said, 

"Momma, he wasn't arrogant and I'll drive you down next weekend since you care so much. He was a perfectly respectable bona-fide photographer; he had a printed card and everything. He didn't even ask me to pose in my bathing suit, though the pool was right there."}

In the Beauty of the Lilies, John Updike

X marks the spot

friday the 13th,

perfect for a treasure hunt.

{let's}

things like eye cream

i'm writing this today,

even though it's thursday,
(well now friday morning)

even though it's not wednesday.

because i've decided some things.

things that i'm afraid will probably sound meaningless at the end of this post,

but feel important enough to write them anyway.

yesterday was hard.

this year has been really hard.

(there are parts of it that have been beyond good,
reminders that my heart is in fact, alive & well).

the last few weeks have been busy.

(a word i hate).

a lifestyle or pitfall i've intentionally steered my life away from over the last 5 years.

busy-ness.

sometimes necessary, 

mostly dreadful.

last night as i crawled into bed,

EX-hausted for what seemed like the millionth night in a row,

i thought about what i was thinking.

(ok yes, my fear is already coming true...this is sounding meaningless).

oh well, i was.

i was thinking about my thoughts.

being aware of them.

feeling my feelings.

stuff that people said throughout the day.

stuff like, "what face wash do you use because you have great skin."

(ps- i made something up, because i don't wash my face & didn't want to sound like a bitch)

and, "i'm horrendously sorry we didn't work out, and that doesn't even begin to cover it."

the later had me sobbing myself to sleep,

the former had me thinking about eye cream.

there are things you can and can't control in this life.

a year ago, i would never have imagined my life would look like it does today,

a year ago, i also probably would not have been thinking about eye cream.

 out of all the things i want and hope for myself,

some outcomes i can contribute to, 

some i just have to wait and see.

i find that i spend more time & energy on the things i can't contribute to, 

than the things i can.

i think a lot about love, and the possibility of 'you' or 'us'.

i spend energy on ideas about my dreams

and things that may never even remotely come true.

meanwhile, i spend little to no time & energy on things
 that could realistically take place.

i don't wash my face.

ever really. never have.

i don't take off my makeup before bed.
(*girls gasping in the background*)

in fact, sometimes i barely need to freshen it in the morning

and throw in some dry shampoo.

i've never needed glasses or braces, 

though i wanted both as a child.

if i eat right and exercise 0-3 times a week,

i drop to my 'ideal' size.

(ok, this is getting bitchier & worse as i go...hear me out).

my great aunt has always told me to apply eye cream before bed.

she's always told me that the reason she has flawless skin at 89

(and seriously- it's gorgeous. better than most of my friends in their early 30s-

that's a 59 year difference people!)

is because she's always moisturized.

always applied eye cream before bed.

before she needed too,

before any evidence of wrinkles,

because she knew it was a good idea,

and because she could.

 same goes for sunscreen.

but what do i do?

i lay in my bed,

in my makeup,

crying myself to insomnia,

drinking a teacup full of whiskey after i've brushed my teeth,

 because 'i'm young enough'

because 'people tell me i have great skin'

because 'i've never washed my face'

because 'i don't get cavities'

i currently own 5 eye creams.

1 i bought in France 8+ years ago,

the rest given to me.

 i've used them 1-3 times, total.

mostly out of guilt. (or my aunt's voice)

last night i decided some things.

some things i can control,

some things i cannot.

preventative eye cream is something i can.

so, i pushed myself out of my self-loathing bed,

pulled myself up to my bathroom sink,

washed my face (with an un-opened face wash i found)

and applied eye cream.

despite the dramatic (written) nature of this act,

it seemed like one of the most adult things i've done in a while.

mature even.

bye bye future wrinkles,

you didn't stand a chance.

i never asked you for a sailboat in the yard.

oh, sweet rosie.

(i'll see ya may 1st & will be eagerly awaiting)

bearfoot beach walkin'

{let me be a free man- free to travel,

free to stop, free to work.}

-chief joseph

cuz even a bear needs the beach at sunset sometimes.

{i wear these dancing shoes}

an act of recognition..

{Real friendship or love is not manufactured or achieved by

an act of will or intention.

Friendship is always an act of recognition.

This metaphor of friendship can be grounded in the clay

nature of the human body.

When you find the person you love, 

an act of ancient recognition brings you together.

It is as if millions of years before the silence of nature broke,

your lover's clay and your clay lay side by side.

Then in the turning of the seasons, 

your one clay divided and separated.

You began to rise as distinct clay forms,

each housing a different individuality and destiny.

Without even knowing it,

your secret memory mourned your loss of each other.

While your clay selves wandered for thousands of years throughout the universe,

your longing for each other never faded. 

This metaphor helps to explain how in the moment of friendship

two souls suddenly recognize each other.

It could be a meeting on the street,

or at a party or lecture,

or just a simple, banal introduction,

then suddenly there is a flash of recognition and the embers of kinship grow.

There is an awakening between you,

a sense of ancient knowing.

Love opens the door of ancient recognition.

You enter. 

You come home to each other at last.

As Euripides said, "Two friends, one soul."

-John O'Donohue