Friday, April 13, 2012

things like eye cream

i'm writing this today,
even though it's thursday,
(well now friday morning)
even though it's not wednesday.
because i've decided some things.
things that i'm afraid will probably sound meaningless at the end of this post,
but feel important enough to write them anyway.
yesterday was hard.
this year has been really hard.
(there are parts of it that have been beyond good,
reminders that my heart is in fact, alive & well).
the last few weeks have been busy.
(a word i hate).
a lifestyle or pitfall i've intentionally steered my life away from over the last 5 years.
sometimes necessary, 
mostly dreadful.

last night as i crawled into bed,
EX-hausted for what seemed like the millionth night in a row,
i thought about what i was thinking.
(ok yes, my fear is already coming true...this is sounding meaningless).
oh well, i was.
i was thinking about my thoughts.
being aware of them.
feeling my feelings.
stuff that people said throughout the day.
stuff like, "what face wash do you use because you have great skin."
(ps- i made something up, because i don't wash my face & didn't want to sound like a bitch)
and, "i'm horrendously sorry we didn't work out, and that doesn't even begin to cover it."

the later had me sobbing myself to sleep,
the former had me thinking about eye cream.
there are things you can and can't control in this life.
a year ago, i would never have imagined my life would look like it does today,
a year ago, i also probably would not have been thinking about eye cream.
 out of all the things i want and hope for myself,
some outcomes i can contribute to, 
some i just have to wait and see.
i find that i spend more time & energy on the things i can't contribute to, 
than the things i can.

i think a lot about love, and the possibility of 'you' or 'us'.
i spend energy on ideas about my dreams
and things that may never even remotely come true.
meanwhile, i spend little to no time & energy on things
 that could realistically take place.
i don't wash my face.
ever really. never have.
i don't take off my makeup before bed.
(*girls gasping in the background*)
in fact, sometimes i barely need to freshen it in the morning
and throw in some dry shampoo.
i've never needed glasses or braces, 
though i wanted both as a child.
if i eat right and exercise 0-3 times a week,
i drop to my 'ideal' size.
(ok, this is getting bitchier & worse as i go...hear me out).

my great aunt has always told me to apply eye cream before bed.
she's always told me that the reason she has flawless skin at 89
(and seriously- it's gorgeous. better than most of my friends in their early 30s-
that's a 59 year difference people!)
is because she's always moisturized.
always applied eye cream before bed.
before she needed too,
before any evidence of wrinkles,
because she knew it was a good idea,
and because she could.
 same goes for sunscreen.

but what do i do?
i lay in my bed,
in my makeup,
crying myself to insomnia,
drinking a teacup full of whiskey after i've brushed my teeth,
 because 'i'm young enough'
because 'people tell me i have great skin'
because 'i've never washed my face'
because 'i don't get cavities'

i currently own 5 eye creams.
1 i bought in France 8+ years ago,
the rest given to me.
 i've used them 1-3 times, total.
mostly out of guilt. (or my aunt's voice)
last night i decided some things.
some things i can control,
some things i cannot.
preventative eye cream is something i can.

so, i pushed myself out of my self-loathing bed,
pulled myself up to my bathroom sink,
washed my face (with an un-opened face wash i found)
and applied eye cream.
despite the dramatic (written) nature of this act,
it seemed like one of the most adult things i've done in a while.
mature even.
bye bye future wrinkles,
you didn't stand a chance.

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