Wednesday, April 25, 2012

do-overs. // practicing 'presence'

As my birthday approaches, I've been thinking a lot. reflecting on my years- this one specifically. how i want to live them (my future ones) wisely and wildly, with juicy passion and experiencing everything i can. to be fully alive. to choose the things/people that make me come/feel alive. to laugh deeply and loudly. to be silly and thoughtful and engaged in challenging conversations. surrounded by people who force me to think about tough issues, and read up on politics or religion, and fiercely push my creative self. people who believe in me, who are smarter than me, and more well read than me. people who enjoy my company. people with whom i can most be myself. comfortably and confidently, embracing my identify. feeling known.
I've been thinking a lot about events and actions, and words, and mistakes&good choices.
Often times when I do something, or something happens, I’ll wish I had a ‘do-over’.
That we were given a certain number of ‘do-overs’ in our lifetime to use as we please, to go back and do something differently or to un-do something we did.
Go back a few days, and start again.
Re-do some parts of college.
Go back before I sent that text when I was a little too full of liquid courage.
Go back and make prettier the things that reflect poorly on my character,
or that I know I could do better the second time around.

For the last few years, I’ve been trying to practice ‘presence’.
Being fully present in this moment, in this season of my life, in this very day.
Today, as today, for today.
Expressing gratitude in all things, come what may.
(Being really thankful for things like a 10-key or rainbows or singing or different flavors or other things that aren't necessary for life to happen at all, that make life soo much more full of enjoyment. Luxuries that we didn’t create that make me think “thankyou, moreplease”).

I think that if I had the power to initiate ‘do-overs’ I would never really live.
I would instead spend most of my time ‘doing-over’ the same things.
As a natural perfectionist, I see this could trap me.
Un-doing or re-doing something once would probably not satisfy me (although I say it would, now).
In reality, I would always see another way I could keep improving it.
With life just happening, moving you forward, unable to erase, you are forced to be more free.
Forced to embrace grace. Grace for yourself, grace for others.
Forced to adapt and grow in new ways. Ways that are uncomfortable, painful or thrilling.
Forced to be ‘present’.
To reflect on your behavior and continue developing your character.
To be responsible with your head and your heart and the things life’s lessons have taught you.
To become someone you’re proud of.

{It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.} –E.E. Cummings
I'm not done growing (thankGod).
I'm also more present today than I was the day before and the time before that.
I believe that I am becoming the best me, and you- the best you.
don't give up.
in time, we'll all get there, and we'll all be really proud of each other...and proud of ourselves.
may we know greater love. 
may we know greater grace. 
may we know ourselves and who we are meant to become.
come.what.may...(i'm ready for ya)

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