Wednesday, February 22, 2012

more time.

patience has never been my virtue.
a thorn in my side, yes.
a virtue of mine, no.  
this is a picture of me at 1year old. (yes 1)
that's my neighbor kathy,
 a sweet lady who was probably trying to help me fill my summatime kiddy pool.
knowing me (and my 14month old self),
i was probably thinking,
"look lady, i got this."
i am a doer. a 'seize the day'er. 
i know what i want, and i go after it. hard.
i don't understand why you would wait,
when you could just do it.

lately however, 
my answer to everything has been 'more time'.
i am equal parts confused and jealous of the people 
who say things like,
"who knows what will happen in a few years..."
a few years?!? why not today?!
"just see what happens..."
or- just make what you want to happen, happen.

the idea of life just 'unfolding as it will' 
is painstaking to me.
just waiting.
just watching.
just patiently letting life happen.
that whole concept at times physically aches me.
like i'm not actively participating.
like one of those dreams where you're trying to run as fast as you can,
but you are hardly moving.
like your whole body is stuck in taffy & it's taking all your energy
to go nowhere.
but sometimes,
the answer is just: more time.
and lately, that's been my only answer.
to myself,
and to everyone else who asks my advice.

when will i be less sad?
more time.
when will i stop wanting, wishing?
more time.
when will i know if i should say anything?
more time.
how will i know what's next?
more time.

life will keep unfolding.
days will keep passing.
your thoughts will quiet.
your feelings will fade,
or blossom into something more.
things will be made more clear.
paths will be revealed.
people's interest or desire will show themselves,
or remove themselves.
opportunities will arise.
some doors will open, 
and some will be closed.
more time. 
without forcing,
just...more time.

i'm learning to let life happen,
as it will,
when it will,
and not as i will,
when i want. 

i guess you could call it patience,
(against my will)
but it's happening.
it's developing in me,
maturing me somehow.
and as painful as it is,
i can tell it's important.
i just wish it would hurry up.
i'm kidding, i'm kidding.

(ok, mostly kidding).
just give me a little more time.

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