Sunday, October 13, 2013

all is not lost (or- the $9,000 break up)

loss is really hard for me.
really hard.
i imagine it's difficult for everyone,
but some people are better able to move on and 'never look back'
i'm pretty incapable of this.

i fell in love a little over a year ago,
and this summer,
as i prepared to leave for paris,
we broke up.
to say i was devastated would be an understatement.
i'm still sad about it every day.

(this sounds so dramatic, but it is deeply real for me.
sar and i talk about how sore throats and break-ups are the worst things in the world.
and that's so true. this was different though. i've never known pain or sorrow like this before. and for those of you who know bits of my story over the last few years, this says a lot).

i remember very specifically, a few weeks into our relationship,
thinking i should quit while i was ahead.
i recognized that with how much i felt and how deeply i was falling in love,
that i risked to lose a lot in the end. 

i risked anyway.
i loved hard, with wild abandon.
i lost a lot.

i still remain very confused as to what happened,
or 'what went wrong'.
but in the wake of sorrow,
i'm trying to reframe loss.
that in something lost, there is always something gained.

my heart has never known love like that (and it's known great love).
i loved courageously despite my fears and insecurities.
he was so good for me, and my life.
i used to be an obnoxiously joyful person,
the real me, who has been broken down by life a bit.
he's like this, and i was so attracted to that in him.
he made me come alive again.
we laughed and played and loved well.
he saw me and cherished me and spoiled me.
it was so beautiful.

i tried to a better woman for him than i've ever been before.
i loved and accepted every part him,
and took such delight in him.
i handled our love well.
i'm proud of how i loved him.
all is not lost.

there are three types of crying:
1) wailing uncontrollable sob: just hideous and embarrassing, but it happens
2) tears that naturally come because of sad or beautiful things (or cheezy songs on the radio)
3) soft tears that come when you aren't aware of them or that you even felt sad. like a sigh from within your heart that flows up to your eyes.

a few weeks ago, i was walking home in Paris,
and those third tears came.
it was raining lightly and the only reason i even noticed i had begun to cry,
was because i could feel the contrast of the warm tears down my cheeks against the cool rain.
it wasn't outwardly noticeable that i was crying,
but the deepest parts of my heart began to ache.
in that moment, i made a promise to myself to never love someone like that again.
no matter what.
i honestly don't even think it's possible to love someone else in the way i loved Marcus,
and that's ok.
some people don't even get one great love in their life,
so i'm luckier than most.
i cherish every moment & memory & wouldn't trade it for the world.
i'm better because of it, because of him.
all is not lost.

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