{spider lilies}

***

"can you fix it?" i asked.

"i don't know yet," you say as you ask for the screwdriver.

i watch you loosen each bolt and carefully remove the glass top of my heart.

"hmm," you say.

"don't say it like that. what do you see?"

i suddenly feel like smoking a cigarette even though i don't smoke.

you do not answer me.

instead, you sing.

you set an alarm clock and it rings.

you pour in a drop of W-D40 because you say it can't hurt.

you plant spider lilies and promise that they'll always come back.

you tell me to be still when i start to laugh.

but i can't help it.

i laugh and laugh.

-#254

***

little bird courage.

sometimes,

you just have to close yer office door,

lay on the floor,

close yer eyes,

pretend yer laying under a lovely eucalyptus tree,

and take deep, deep breaths.

...

then,

after it's been 10 minutes or so,

roll over,

push yerself up,

pour yerself a glass of brave on the rocks

(aka- fresh brewed ice tea),

widely open yer door with a smile,

and remember yer little bird courage.

blueberry lips & a bubblegum tongue

check out these delishhhcious things

yes please.



gotta have my chucks.




too dreamy.




little leatha bags for yer feet.



a momma always knows.

my momma called me on saturday afternoon,

and sunday night,

and finally i answered on monday on my lunch break.

(she can be pretty persistent)

"hey sweetie, i just wanted to hear your voice.

is everything ok, I can't seem to shake this feeling in my gut."

how does a momma always know?

a few minutes later, before she hung up,

she said to me,

"i'm sorry this life is hard sometimes.

it's a good thing you're a strong girl.

and don't forget that it can be tough to cry."

we've had several conversations like this throughout life.

usually when I don't know what to do.

like when i sprained my ankle at my dance recital,

or after my first heartbreak in kindergarten,

or when I changed my mind last minute about college,

or when I moved to Michigan.

even if I'm just being indecisive at the grocery store,

she always ends the conversation with the same line:

"you can always come home. i love you."

so thankful for my momma.

 

((watch/listen)) the shirelles- mama said

#189

"there is a quiet

wind voice inside of me.

it's the same voice

inside of you.

delicate and persevering,

it led us towards each other.

across desert sand,

traffic noise, solitary sky.

i found your little house

by the sea. and i

never wanted to leave..."

would you make it shallow, so that i can feel the rain.

turn yer flower faces up.



and they laid so still and peaceful,
down, down, down
below my barefeet.




"shh," he said with his skeleton smile,
"don't worry yer pretty mind with such things."





the world is a big KISS.

i believe that there are 2 kinds of people.

those who bring light and life and joy and inspiration into the world,

and those,

who, for whatever reason,

can't.

and for whatever reason,

drain the world and people and life of

good things,

and energy,

and happiness.

...and thank goodness they both exist.

because neither one could,

without the other.

you know those people-

the ones who you are thankful for.

the ones who,

even if you don't know them,

you owe them something.

humanity owes them something.

{like SARK, or RUMI or Mother Theresa or the spry old man at the supermarket}

just their 'being' makes the world better.

their thoughts, or their hearts, or their hands.

like a little gift.

a little voice saying,

'there is beauty here.'

the friend that falls into your life

at just the right time,

to remind you,

'the world is a big kiss'

when you feel like it's more of a

'punch in the face'.

i want to be a person,

that at the end of life,

at the end of everything...

the world was better,

simply because i lived.

i want to love more people than i hate,

give more life than i take,

shine more light than darkness,

be more brave than afraid.

let's hope i can.

(and i hope you can too).

smells like teen spirit

the lovely ms. sar sent me this this morning:

http://lookbook.nu/

and man, is it oh so good.

i have been really into early 90s grunge lately.

the music has been filling my ipod,

and my playlists,

and i'm secretly really excited

that it's sneaking its way into

today's fashion.

those grunge girls are like pissed off,

more bad ass hippies.

same idea,

but with leather boots,

and netting,

and lots of black.

here are some modern,

grunge favs.

{as featured on lookbook}

{when you're a girl, you have to be a beast}

{fake is the latest trend, and everyone's in style}
-look at that dipped hair and ripped, ripped jeans-

 



{she lives on love street}

 

{after 8}

 

{roc black boots}





{dead & lovely}




  



if you pray for anything,

pray doc martens make a comeback.

i'd be the happiest hapyest.



this may be the hardest part of all.

wake up naked,

drinking coffee,

making plans to change the world.

while the world is changing us.

it was good, good love.

{listen}

stay or leave (live)- dave matthews

{the oracle told me to wander} -sufan

too many places i'd like to go today,

or rather, be today.

so instead.

some wandering quotes to inspire.

en.joy.

{so we follow our wandering paths, and the very darkness acts as our guide

and our doubts serve to reassure us}

~ jean-pierre de caussade

: :

{…-no girl had ever moved me with a story of spiritual suffering

and so beautifully her soul showing out radiant as an angel

wandering in hell and the hell the selfsame streets i’d roamed in watching,

watching for someone just like her

and never dreaming the darkness and the mystery

and eventuality of our meeting in eternity.}

~ jack kerouac

: :

{i am always the better for open-air breathing,

and was certainly meant for the wandering life of the Indian.}
~ maria mitchell

: :

{if we really think that home is elsewhere

and that this life is a 'wandering to find home',

why should we not look forward to the arrival?}
~ cs lewis

: :

{wandering re-establishes the original harmony

which once existed between (wo)man and the universe.}

~ anatole france 

: :

{not all those who wander are lost.}

~ j.r.r. tolkien

: :

{out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field.

i’ll meet you there.}

~ rumi

: :

{i am much inclined to live from my rucksack,

and let my trousers fray as they like.}
~ hermann hesse

: :

{yes, it was too late, and sabina knew she would leave Paris,

move on, and on again,

because were she to die here they would cover her up with a stone,

and in the mind of a woman for whom no place is home,

the thought of an end to all flight is unbearable.}
~ milan kundera

(the unbearable lightness of being)

: :

{he made the world to be a grassy road before her wandering feet.}
~ w. b. yeates

: :

{let her sleep, for when she wakes, she will move mountains.}

~ unknown

: :

{the best is yet to come...}

~ frank sinatra

go.wander.play.

art inspires art

paula mills

she's fabulous

i love her stuff

i'm inspired by her talent

by her free spirit,

that comes forward in her playful and detailed pieces

what a delight.

i hope to be friends with her someday.

enjoy some of my favourites below.

you can also check her out here. 

and more personally here.

and on her official website, here.

and buy lovely things of hers on etsy, here.



light as a feather



free love



love art print in red



song



brighten your day



drink it up.

yer fake name is not for everyone, good enough for me.

we are each other's perceptions.

we are defined by them at least.

we are creatures of dualism,

though people can only see one side at a time.

some who know you well,

know both sides of you, if not more.

but in entirety of being?

no.

every thought, every word,

every contradiction,

every confusion,

every thriving or struggling of being.

here are some of my transparent examples:

today in the lunch room i was teased for

'always being soo healthy'.

"do you ever eat anything besides vegetables everyday?"

i protested,

sharing that i love pizza and french fries,

while my peers looked at me like 'yeah. right.'

like the girl who's crying while swearing she isn't sad.

if only they knew that right now i was lying on the floor,

drinking warm beer and eating peanut butter m&ms for dinner.

: :

earlier this week i was awarded employee of the month again.

first person who ever got it twice in one year at our company of 800+ people.

i was awarded it while job searching on my laptop.

while looking up fashion schools and internships in paris.

i was praised for starting these state initiatives that were personally

recognized by the governor.

i was honored for being good at things i could not care less about being recognized for.

(i'm not trying to come across as arrogant as i probably am,

i just feel more pride and joy when the girl at walgreens

compliments the hairpiece i designed myself, 

than when i receive a personal letter from jan brewer).

i don't even care about politics...

and she's got a bad rap around here.

 (which if my theory is correct, means she probably a good person somewhere).
then i came home and couldn't change my water cooler by myself.
the full bottle sitting on my table,
taunting my strong, capable self.
i'm strong enough to start county wide initiatives for early intervention,
but i'm too weak to change my own water jug.
i could feel my face get hot with tears.

: :

a few months ago,

one of my employees was leaving for a meeting,

and after going out to her car,

ran back into my office very flustered.

"what's wrong? flat tire?" i asked.

"there's a flopping injured bird on my car, i can't look, it won't get off, pleeease help me."

so i went to the kitchen,

put two plastic bags over my hands,

tied a paper towel to my face with a rubber band,

and went outside.

i walked up to her car to find this mangled HUGE nasty pigeon on her hood.

flopping and flapping,

and gross. i mean, gross.

i took a deep breath,

and in one motion,

jerked out my hands,

picked it up,

and (lightly) tossed it on the grass.

that girl still talks about how 'brave' & 'fearless' i am.

yeah right.

i'm the same girl who still sleeps with the bathroom light on.

: :

recently when i started going places

(mostly coffee shops)

i'm been giving a fake name.

i come up with it,

right on the spot,

and see if i can remember what i said

when they call my order.

i've been thinking about how we can really be whatever we want.

i can tell people i'm a vegetarian,

or a runner.

we can create how people perceive us.

what we want to be defined by.

that guy at starbucks will never know that he just made a drink for

bradley whose real name is tannia.

it's quite silly really.

childish.

i was reflecting on all this tonight.

the dualism (at minimum) of humankind.

and thinking that there is only one being

who knows it all.

every cell,

every thought,

every truth. every lie.

what i say and what i do,

and how they are and aren't the same.

when i'm scared or (seemingly) brave.

and in those moments i feel most alone,

in those moments when i wonder if anyone will truly ever know me,

whispers,

"your fake name is good enough for me...

i know the name i gave you and i won't forget.

beloved."

grace in the mess.

flavourite things & wild red dreams.

there are few things i love more than...

skinny little leggings, big slouchy boots,

oversized sunglasses, hats

& a tshirt that swallows me whole.

...maybe a tall glass of ice water...maybe.

i hope that the current style, never eva goes away.

it was made for me.

here are some flavourites.



fav fav. if i could wear this everyday, i would.



just let me wear my boots





big shirt, little skirt.




slouch & leatha heaven.



weird fashion story of the day:

my coworker coerced me into going to chipotle with her last minute for lunch.

the clerk had the weirdest expression on his face.

when we got to the register he said,

"i know this sounds crazy, but you're the face from my dream, except you had wild red hair."

i said, "you've probably just seen me here before."

 he said, "i started yesterday."

well, anyway. maybe when i'm a full time artist or designer i'll do it.

i bet it'd look something like this.

purple & redddds.

get real, get right

music monday.

sufan.

animation.

do yourself a favor. (click.watch)

baby grab my moon boots.

this morning.

final mission.

atlantis.

perfect name.

to wander & play in outer space.

shoulda snuck on that rocket ship.

1 ticket please.



how nervous would my belly be...

 


technology is incredible. streaming this live from my phone during the launch. unreal.



then we could see this.



and fly by this...

 let's.



dear pacific,

only one more sleep until i get to see you again.

can't wait.

yours truly,

ta



free bird